So on Monday I was doing what every other middle class American was up to… cleaning out my humble abode and throwing out/organizing a years worth of junk I’ve managed to collect. Put brand new white bed sheets, did all my laundry, yadiyadi. I even gathered a bag full of old clothes I want to get rid of (um, HELLO ex hoarder?!) and managed to finish in time to watch the game. BOOM.

While putting all my books in plastic bins to store away, i found a bunch of my old journals dating all the way back to ‘04. Embarrasing? No. Awkward. I started reading them and wanted to go back in time and punch 16 year old me in the chin. I’ve never read a single word in there to another human being, and my brother kept telling me why don’t I just throw them away and pretend those years and cheesy letters never happened… but I can’t. The thing is, they did happen. That was me. And I thought about all the things in life we try to shove under the rug or put under bandaids because we want to pretend that they never happened. We want to move away, not move on. We want to forget, erase, deny. But why?

I was in the chess club in the 4th grade and have been writing about love since I was 12. I have nights with regrets that have dates written at the top of the page and milestones no one ever knows I crossed. Letters written to people who never got to read them and picture of days taken with words. Everything. All those tiny, sometimes shameful, but real moments have made me up.  They are a part of me. And just because we look back and feel like we’re remembering a stranger doesn’t mean we should try to forget. It doesn’t mean we should be ashamed. Everything, all those moments, all those grains of sand, are building the massive incredible ocean that is your life. Remember them. Keep them. Wear those scars like badges on your arms. Wear those summers like frames hanging on the walls of your heart. Re-read those pages every now and then and remember where you came from and how you got to where you are. And keep them like memoirs.. that you once lived here. That you once loved here. That you once dreamed here.  And if you ever find someone you trust enough to share them with, do. Please do. Because you’ll be one of the lucky ones ;)